forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize