dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
