What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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