I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Randomize