farters have to be the big spoon...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
