For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
