My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
