He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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