Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
