i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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