Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
