Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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