Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
