My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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