we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
