Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
