Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
