eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
