im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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