god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
