I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
