I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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