i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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