You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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