Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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