How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
