I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
