We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
