Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize