Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
