im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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