in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize