I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize