rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
