he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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