The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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