My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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