I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
