Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
