just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
