I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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