Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We need to get me chipped asap
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
