What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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