my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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