my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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