dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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