somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
