I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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