I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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