The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
