I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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