i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize