I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
