I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
