The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
