DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
