Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
