I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
