Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
