do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
