you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
