my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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